Its been quite awhile since my last post. For the most part, I haven't been feeling quite like myself (wonder why?) and just haven't been able to work up the mental energy to blog. That seems to be the biggest side effect I've been facing over the last month and a half. I've been facing a lack of energy or desire to much of anything when I don't absolutely have to. I find that most of the time I'm a lump. It does get better the further I get away from treatments, but it never completely goes away and I always know its going to get worse again. Right now its hard to see beyond the immediate. I know that after just two more treatments (a month and a half?) I should go back to feeling more normal. But then when I am able to look past right now, all I can see is the next hurdle or two I'll have to take on.
Everyone keeps telling me to take it easy on myself and relax. They keep telling me that its completely normal to be feeling all of this and that it makes perfect sense. That its fine if I don't want to do anything. And I see all of this. I comprehend it. And I don't disagree. The problem is that I know I'm capable of more. I know that my pre-chemo self had lazy and disconnected moments, but they never lasted for nearly 6 weeks at a time. In the first week and a half after treatment even simple tasks seem too much to accomplish. Its not that I lack energy most of the time, its more that I lack motivation and drive.
Which brings me to another problem. I feel like I've become such a downer. I don't want to be a whiner, but I feel like all I have to talk about these days are symptoms and side effects. It doesn't make for very interesting conversation. So I've found myself talking less and less... I have few new things to say that don't involve chemo and cancer.
Last week I received my 4th chemo treatment -- now I am officially more than halfway done with chemo. Its sounds huge but it still feels so immense to have to go through 2 more rounds. Once I get through the first few days it always gets easier, but when I'm actually going through those early days, it feels endless. And even though I'm getting used to it and know about what to expect, the whole thing is just getting to be so tiresome. I know I should be happy that I'm almost done with chemo, but it just feels so monotonous -- which I know sounds odd. The scary new-ness of it all has worn off and now it is just this tedious thing that I have to do, that's hard and no fun and not "exciting" anymore. Not that this was ever what I would call exciting in the positive sense of the word, but more in an uncharted territory, start of a fight way.
I'm still have the positive attitude about the end result, but my resolve is just starting to wear thin regarding the day-to-day battle.
This post is starting to seem more like a rant than anything else, so I'll go ahead and wrap it up. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year. I'm hoping 2011 is going to be better than 2010 turned out to be.
Erin, Thank you for being so honest and real! I am sure i would feel the same way but never articulate enough to convey it in a blog like you have. I hold you in my heart everyday and know that someday it will be better and not so damn hard. hugs to youReplyDelete
I love you and am always thinking of you and praying for you. Hang in there old roomie! :) XOXOReplyDelete
I'm sure the ongoing treatments and side effects are getting so old! I for one think you should rant, vent and complain! It helps you to process what you are going through and helps those of us who love you to understand a little better! We love you!
Aunt Nancy & Co.