Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Down but not out

So the second round of chemo has been better and not so better.  The physical side effects have not been as bad this time around... still lots of tiredness, but not the same level of physical discomfort.  The problem this time around has been mental.  As I've recently learned, depression is a common side effect of chemo.  I started feeling the effects on Monday and then again today.  And it seems to hit me most in the morning. 

I mostly hate this new side effect because it is so unlike me.  I'm usually a pretty upbeat, optimistic person and I hate having these thoughts that I'm not in control of.  It makes complete sense, of course, that I would have to deal with this since my whole body is now completely chemically imbalanced and my hormones are out of whack.  But I still don't like it.  Not one bit.  I know I can get through this, its just hard to deal with right now because I can't see the end of it. 

The other side effect I'm having is being very anti-clutter and things.  I used to enjoy shopping and buying things but now I just feel like I have too much stuff and no place to put any of it.  Ben is doing a great job dealing with my anti-clutter tendencies.  He's been so patient and strong through all of this and I'm so lucky to have him as a support.  I'm also lucky to have the rest of you in my strong network of support -- you really help keep me going with your words of support.  So, thank you.

I start back at work tomorrow, so I think that should keep me distracted and occupied for the time being.  I also need to find a hobby, so any suggestions are welcome. 

Here's hoping my new medicine helps me out of this funk.


  1. Depression is not fun and is very frustrating ...I can't imagine how it is on top of going through chemo. You are so strong and such an inspiration. Stay that way.:)

  2. Hmmm, hobbies - are you interested in an artistic hobby like painting or photography? You could always knit or crochet, start watching hockey, watch an entire television series of Weeds, or Sex and the City, there's hunting - well, maybe not. Just some thoughts. Hang in there - and try to remember it's the drugs talking - you are being sooo strong and an inspiration to me.

  3. I am so glad you as always!, are hitting it head on! Depression is very real! I have been there! Finding a good counselor was so important for me. I still go after all these years every now and then. I call her my best paid friend, anyone could have!!!! :) She actually has been through breast cancer. Counselors are like shoes,you have to try them on to see if they fit. Depression medicine is like that to I think, to figure out which one is the best for you. Keep trying!!!It got better for me and it will get better for you. Chemo is hard crap and you are fighting the good fight Erin! Yesterday , I met with my friend who had colon cancer a couple of years ago. She and i and others walked in Relay for life last May. We are doing it again this year. I hope you could feel us holding you up and others............we are going to Rock the walk this May and maybe we can all walk together some year! YIPEEEE