I'm done with chemo. Done! Done! Done! Done! Done!
Done!
:o)
As many of you know, my last chemo treatment was on Thursday, February 3. Finally, I'm starting to feel like myself again (I'd say I'm currently at about 65-70%) and each day I'm feeling better and getting stronger. Today was a big day for me and I just realized how many positive things have happened over the last week or two that have helped to bring me to my current outlook. As of today, I feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose. I feel excited about things again. And I feel like the first chapter of breast cancer is coming to a close. Sure, I know I'm not done yet, there is still quite a bit to do, but I feel like the hardest part is over and I can handle the next phase much better. Things are starting to come together and everything now feels like its happening for a reason.
A couple weeks ago, I was stressing out about my surgery options. I felt sure that I was going to have to have a mastectomy due to the size of my tumor and I just couldn't get comfortable with the idea. But after meeting with another surgeon (and having almost completed chemo) I found out that my tumor has shrunken significantly and that a lumpectomy may now be an option. My tumor was initially about 9cm large and is now estimated to be about 5cm. This made me feel so much better. I can always go back and have a mastectomy later if I want, but for now, I'm way more comfortable with the less invasive procedure. I'm still waiting to confirm with my primary surgeon, but I feel good about it.
Throughout this whole thing, I've been on a quest to find another twenty-something going through what I'm going through. I knew they existed and I'd heard and read about them, but I needed to meet someone to prove to myself that I wasn't alone. But all I had found were women who had breast cancer when they were in their late twenties but now its 5, 10, 20 years later and women who are in their mid thirties- to mid forties who currently have breast cancer. All of these women have been wonderful and great resources, but I still felt like there was something missing. But last week I met a 29 year old going through chemo and last night I met another 28 year old who was just diagnosed. And now I feel a sense of victory. I'm sorry that these women have to deal with this, but it feels good to see another way too-young face whose doing the same thing I am (I say "way too young" because most of the women I've met I think are too young to be dealing with this).
Finally, as I've mentioned in this blog before, my goal from the beginning of this was to take something away from this whole experience -- to get something good out of it and be able to contribute something back. I do not want this experience to be a waste. Until recently, I was only able to deal with getting through chemo and just making it through everyday, that I wasn't able to see beyond that first hill. But now that I'm over the first hump, I feel like things are starting to fall into place and my purpose is starting to reveal itself. I'm also starting to feel like my old self again. Not who I was 6 months ago, but who I was 2, 3, 5 years ago. This sounds corny, but I feel a new fire in me and the passion and drive I have been lacking for awhile. And it all seems so easy ... things are starting to fall into my lap and make sense and the path just seems so clear that I would be blind if I didn't just follow it.
Today I was encouraged to start a young women's breast cancer group and for any of you who know me well, this is something that is right up my alley. I've gone to a couple of young women with breast cancer support groups, but they are for women under 40 or 45 and dominated mostly by women in their mid-thirties to mid-forties. These groups are great -- they meet once a month, are facilitated by a counselor and give everyone a chance to air their concerns, talk about their feelings and ask question. What I haven't found is a young women with breast cancer social group. Arlington, Alexandria and DC are filled with young professionals and more and more young women are being diagnosed with breast cancer. When you have breast cancer, you don't want to dwell on it all the time, you want to take the moments when you feel good and have fun -- live life. I have a lot of resources now at my disposal and I think there could be a growing group of women who would be interested in getting together and hanging out with other women like them and doing something fun. Something not related to cancer.
This is my new project. And I'm excited. I want to get started immediately. I just keep thinking in my head "I'm baaaack!" and it feels so good to feel like this again.
I realize this whole post may sound extremely corny, cheesy and lame but I'm not sure I really care.
I also have to say that I'm extremely excited about my end of chemo celebration next Friday (2/19) and I cannot wait to see everyone there. I think I should be back up to at least 95% by then, so be ready to party. I also want to take lots of pictures to document the night, my post-chemo self and my perfectly-shaped for scarf wearing head, so plan to bring your cameras.
And if you hear of any young women (or anyone really who needs it) with breast cancer whether they are in the area or not, feel free to send them my way. I look forward to being a resource to others who have to go through this.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Endless Rants
Its been quite awhile since my last post. For the most part, I haven't been feeling quite like myself (wonder why?) and just haven't been able to work up the mental energy to blog. That seems to be the biggest side effect I've been facing over the last month and a half. I've been facing a lack of energy or desire to much of anything when I don't absolutely have to. I find that most of the time I'm a lump. It does get better the further I get away from treatments, but it never completely goes away and I always know its going to get worse again. Right now its hard to see beyond the immediate. I know that after just two more treatments (a month and a half?) I should go back to feeling more normal. But then when I am able to look past right now, all I can see is the next hurdle or two I'll have to take on.
Everyone keeps telling me to take it easy on myself and relax. They keep telling me that its completely normal to be feeling all of this and that it makes perfect sense. That its fine if I don't want to do anything. And I see all of this. I comprehend it. And I don't disagree. The problem is that I know I'm capable of more. I know that my pre-chemo self had lazy and disconnected moments, but they never lasted for nearly 6 weeks at a time. In the first week and a half after treatment even simple tasks seem too much to accomplish. Its not that I lack energy most of the time, its more that I lack motivation and drive.
Which brings me to another problem. I feel like I've become such a downer. I don't want to be a whiner, but I feel like all I have to talk about these days are symptoms and side effects. It doesn't make for very interesting conversation. So I've found myself talking less and less... I have few new things to say that don't involve chemo and cancer.
Last week I received my 4th chemo treatment -- now I am officially more than halfway done with chemo. Its sounds huge but it still feels so immense to have to go through 2 more rounds. Once I get through the first few days it always gets easier, but when I'm actually going through those early days, it feels endless. And even though I'm getting used to it and know about what to expect, the whole thing is just getting to be so tiresome. I know I should be happy that I'm almost done with chemo, but it just feels so monotonous -- which I know sounds odd. The scary new-ness of it all has worn off and now it is just this tedious thing that I have to do, that's hard and no fun and not "exciting" anymore. Not that this was ever what I would call exciting in the positive sense of the word, but more in an uncharted territory, start of a fight way.
I'm still have the positive attitude about the end result, but my resolve is just starting to wear thin regarding the day-to-day battle.
This post is starting to seem more like a rant than anything else, so I'll go ahead and wrap it up. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year. I'm hoping 2011 is going to be better than 2010 turned out to be.
Everyone keeps telling me to take it easy on myself and relax. They keep telling me that its completely normal to be feeling all of this and that it makes perfect sense. That its fine if I don't want to do anything. And I see all of this. I comprehend it. And I don't disagree. The problem is that I know I'm capable of more. I know that my pre-chemo self had lazy and disconnected moments, but they never lasted for nearly 6 weeks at a time. In the first week and a half after treatment even simple tasks seem too much to accomplish. Its not that I lack energy most of the time, its more that I lack motivation and drive.
Which brings me to another problem. I feel like I've become such a downer. I don't want to be a whiner, but I feel like all I have to talk about these days are symptoms and side effects. It doesn't make for very interesting conversation. So I've found myself talking less and less... I have few new things to say that don't involve chemo and cancer.
Last week I received my 4th chemo treatment -- now I am officially more than halfway done with chemo. Its sounds huge but it still feels so immense to have to go through 2 more rounds. Once I get through the first few days it always gets easier, but when I'm actually going through those early days, it feels endless. And even though I'm getting used to it and know about what to expect, the whole thing is just getting to be so tiresome. I know I should be happy that I'm almost done with chemo, but it just feels so monotonous -- which I know sounds odd. The scary new-ness of it all has worn off and now it is just this tedious thing that I have to do, that's hard and no fun and not "exciting" anymore. Not that this was ever what I would call exciting in the positive sense of the word, but more in an uncharted territory, start of a fight way.
I'm still have the positive attitude about the end result, but my resolve is just starting to wear thin regarding the day-to-day battle.
This post is starting to seem more like a rant than anything else, so I'll go ahead and wrap it up. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year. I'm hoping 2011 is going to be better than 2010 turned out to be.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Down but not out
So the second round of chemo has been better and not so better. The physical side effects have not been as bad this time around... still lots of tiredness, but not the same level of physical discomfort. The problem this time around has been mental. As I've recently learned, depression is a common side effect of chemo. I started feeling the effects on Monday and then again today. And it seems to hit me most in the morning.
I mostly hate this new side effect because it is so unlike me. I'm usually a pretty upbeat, optimistic person and I hate having these thoughts that I'm not in control of. It makes complete sense, of course, that I would have to deal with this since my whole body is now completely chemically imbalanced and my hormones are out of whack. But I still don't like it. Not one bit. I know I can get through this, its just hard to deal with right now because I can't see the end of it.
The other side effect I'm having is being very anti-clutter and things. I used to enjoy shopping and buying things but now I just feel like I have too much stuff and no place to put any of it. Ben is doing a great job dealing with my anti-clutter tendencies. He's been so patient and strong through all of this and I'm so lucky to have him as a support. I'm also lucky to have the rest of you in my strong network of support -- you really help keep me going with your words of support. So, thank you.
I start back at work tomorrow, so I think that should keep me distracted and occupied for the time being. I also need to find a hobby, so any suggestions are welcome.
Here's hoping my new medicine helps me out of this funk.
I mostly hate this new side effect because it is so unlike me. I'm usually a pretty upbeat, optimistic person and I hate having these thoughts that I'm not in control of. It makes complete sense, of course, that I would have to deal with this since my whole body is now completely chemically imbalanced and my hormones are out of whack. But I still don't like it. Not one bit. I know I can get through this, its just hard to deal with right now because I can't see the end of it.
The other side effect I'm having is being very anti-clutter and things. I used to enjoy shopping and buying things but now I just feel like I have too much stuff and no place to put any of it. Ben is doing a great job dealing with my anti-clutter tendencies. He's been so patient and strong through all of this and I'm so lucky to have him as a support. I'm also lucky to have the rest of you in my strong network of support -- you really help keep me going with your words of support. So, thank you.
I start back at work tomorrow, so I think that should keep me distracted and occupied for the time being. I also need to find a hobby, so any suggestions are welcome.
Here's hoping my new medicine helps me out of this funk.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Hit me with your best shot
So I've received round 2 of chemo and now I'm recovering (so not quite done with the round yet from my perspective). I've been feeling pretty blah and sluggish, but if I take a step back and look at it in perspective, I'm doing okay. I'm definitely still not with it, but I'm not hugging the toilet either.
The weather has been beautiful this weekend, but I've mostly been inside laying on the couch. Yesterday Ben reorganized our big hall closet and cleaned the apartment for me, which was incredible and made my day. Its amazing how happy vacuuming can make a person. Today I made him go outside, enjoy the weather and play some paintball and I am hanging out at my parents house, getting waited on hand and foot. So all in all, even though I don't feel like normal, it could be worse.
Even though I've been dealing with the reality of breast cancer for a little while now, I still have these moments of disbelief. Its a very strange thing to be going through at any age, but sometimes it just seems so unreal. I'm still holding on to the hope that when I get done with all of this, I will be a much stronger person, able to deftly handle anything life throws at me. Here's hoping....
The weather has been beautiful this weekend, but I've mostly been inside laying on the couch. Yesterday Ben reorganized our big hall closet and cleaned the apartment for me, which was incredible and made my day. Its amazing how happy vacuuming can make a person. Today I made him go outside, enjoy the weather and play some paintball and I am hanging out at my parents house, getting waited on hand and foot. So all in all, even though I don't feel like normal, it could be worse.
Even though I've been dealing with the reality of breast cancer for a little while now, I still have these moments of disbelief. Its a very strange thing to be going through at any age, but sometimes it just seems so unreal. I'm still holding on to the hope that when I get done with all of this, I will be a much stronger person, able to deftly handle anything life throws at me. Here's hoping....
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Round Two... Ding! Ding!
After tomorrow I will be 33% done with my chemo treatments.
That's right, I get to look forward to round two of chemo! While I know it won't be a few weekend, I do take comfort in knowing that I will feel like normal again and that it doesn't knock me out for the entire three weeks.
I went to my oncologist today and she told me that I was progressing very well in my treatment, so Ben and I went out to celebrate with Thai food.
In other news, my head is starting to get sensitive and is getting a little spotty, so I think my buzz cut may soon go the way of the rest of my hair, but it hardly matters anymore. Once you are GI Jane, who cares if you then become Mr. Clean. I'm really digging the scarf look and my new earrings. Now I just need to procure more scarves to expand my head wear wardrobe.
Here's hoping that round two isn't any worse than round one (and here's hoping it goes ever better)!
That's right, I get to look forward to round two of chemo! While I know it won't be a few weekend, I do take comfort in knowing that I will feel like normal again and that it doesn't knock me out for the entire three weeks.
I went to my oncologist today and she told me that I was progressing very well in my treatment, so Ben and I went out to celebrate with Thai food.
In other news, my head is starting to get sensitive and is getting a little spotty, so I think my buzz cut may soon go the way of the rest of my hair, but it hardly matters anymore. Once you are GI Jane, who cares if you then become Mr. Clean. I'm really digging the scarf look and my new earrings. Now I just need to procure more scarves to expand my head wear wardrobe.
Here's hoping that round two isn't any worse than round one (and here's hoping it goes ever better)!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Chemo is not the only type of therapy
There is also retail therapy, which I received a healthy dose of yesterday. I procured big earrings to go with my new head scarf look, a few new winter hats, a pair of warm gloves, some cute decorative items, the very early stages of a Christmas present and a few Christmas decorations/wrappings.
I heard Christmas music piping into a store for the first time this season and had a beverage in my first Starbucks red cup of the season, so its safe to say that I am officially in the mood for Christmas. Now Ben just has to keep me from putting up the tree for another 3 weeks. Good luck to him.
I also had the opportunity to meet up with a few friends yesterday, Amy in the morning and Shannon in the afternoon. It was great to be able to just hang out with friends, have coffee and go shopping. I have noticed that I have less patience for stores right now -- guess I'll be doing a lot of online shopping this Christmas.
I ended the day going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my dad's birthday. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good day. Today, once I make it back up to Alexandria, my mission is to clean, clean, clean... we'll see how well I stick to that objective.
Thanks for all the comments and support for my new hairdos -- I have to say I'm really digging my cue ball head.
Now my weekend would be complete if someone could tell me why my brand new ipod nano won't charge with my old ipod car charger and/or docking station.
I heard Christmas music piping into a store for the first time this season and had a beverage in my first Starbucks red cup of the season, so its safe to say that I am officially in the mood for Christmas. Now Ben just has to keep me from putting up the tree for another 3 weeks. Good luck to him.
I also had the opportunity to meet up with a few friends yesterday, Amy in the morning and Shannon in the afternoon. It was great to be able to just hang out with friends, have coffee and go shopping. I have noticed that I have less patience for stores right now -- guess I'll be doing a lot of online shopping this Christmas.
I ended the day going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my dad's birthday. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good day. Today, once I make it back up to Alexandria, my mission is to clean, clean, clean... we'll see how well I stick to that objective.
Thanks for all the comments and support for my new hairdos -- I have to say I'm really digging my cue ball head.
Now my weekend would be complete if someone could tell me why my brand new ipod nano won't charge with my old ipod car charger and/or docking station.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Is there a draft in here?
I did it. This morning I went and had my head shaved. It was very emotional, but once it was all over, I have to say that I felt pretty empowered. And I actually feel like a bad ass right now, so I'll post a picture of what everyone says is my perfectly shaped head.
So now you can call me GI Jane, Sinead O'Connor or V for Vendetta, but I'm feeling pretty okay about it. Its definitely a new, attention getting haircut that isn't boring.
I'm feeling pretty victorious today, so "yay me!"
Much love to everyone for your kind thoughts and words through this whole thing.
Erin
So now you can call me GI Jane, Sinead O'Connor or V for Vendetta, but I'm feeling pretty okay about it. Its definitely a new, attention getting haircut that isn't boring.
I'm feeling pretty victorious today, so "yay me!"
Much love to everyone for your kind thoughts and words through this whole thing.
Erin
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